Incoherent Ramblings: Don’t Fear the Reaper

My topic for this week is something that we all deal with.  It’s a normal part of life and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Fear. Let’s be honest. We’re all afraid of something.  Some people are afraid of heights. Some are afraid of clowns. Some are afraid of the eminent end of the world. (Those people might not have a good day in a few years. Remember I’m a psychic.) Me? I have very few fears, but if I’m being really, really, really, really honest I have to say that I’m afraid of flying shark clowns made out of diamonds.  Preposterous, you say? Well that’s true. My fear is preposterous, so don’t talk about it. You’ll make it feel bad.

Anyway, dealing with fear is one of the great hurdles in life. It’s right up there with potty training, doing taxes for the first time, fighting an army of flying clown diamond sharks, and saving the earth from an asteroid that will make the cretaceous extinction look like a forest fire. Actually now that I think about it, conquering fear is worse than all those, because a lot of fear goes into all those things, especially the one with the sharks. That being said, it’s something that you, me, and everyone else out there have to do in order to be successful individuals and have our own ice cream stands. (If you can’t tell, I’m kind of phoning this in so please bear with me. It may get better as the column goes on.)

Now please don’t ask me how to conquer fear. It’s not because I don’t want to help you, which is part of the reason, I must admit. No, it’s because conquering fear is something that you have to learn on your own. So stop looking to me for help. This isn’t a help column, and you know it isn’t.

All that having been said, I will tell you one of the secrets that I use to un-petrify myself when I’m facing those shark armies that constantly try to invade the planet. (Don’t believe me? Have you ever seen any flying shark clowns made of diamond? Exactly.) Imagine what ever you’re afraid of in its underwear. Even if what ever you’re afraid of doesn’t wear underwear or isn’t corporeal! It doesn’t matter. Put underwear on heights in whatever way that makes it work. Trust me, nothing stops fear like seeing whatever you’re afraid of in its underwear. If you want to know why I say underwear I’ll tell you. If you don’t want to know, I don’t care. I’m going to tell you anyway. It makes you laugh. Nothing kills fear faster than laughter. Heck, that’s why laughter exists; to help people deal with the extremely frightening thing that is life and the universe.  See how I did that? Tied it all back into laughter. Man I’m good.

So get out there and laugh; Your fears will melt away, and you’ll probably have a much better day… or you’ll be dead, depending on what it is that you’re afraid of.  Just to make sure you all know, when I’m talking about fear, I mean fears of trivial things like clowns and heights, not bears or Charlie Sheen (yes I had to make the joke). If you should find yourself confronted with those kinds of life threatening things, fear is the correct response. Listen to it and run for you life.  Otherwise, keep laughing.

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