Incoherent Ramblings: Love is a Battlefield

Sup loyal fans and readers. I’m back.

So as those of you who have tagged along for this weird journey I’ve been on journalistically, I don’t do lists, a staple of the humor column all around columnland. If you’re wondering what columnland is just imagine wonderland made out of paper and full of lists, useful information and not useful information all stacked into to stratosphere. There’s no particular reason why I don’t do lists. It’s not that I’m not good at them or that I hate them. Heck my first column for this here newspaper, the oh so honorable BottomLine, was a list. I think that it might have something to do with the fact that the two major comedy sites on the interwebs ( and are effectively list factories and I don’t want to seem like an imitator.

Now I want you all to know that I’m not making a list in fair column, no, no, no, no. I’m just shooting the breeze with you, the reader, and making observations about my own short comings as a columnist. I do this for two reasons. The first is that I care about you guys that read this thing I do here in the newspaper and the second is that it’s really great for eating up word count if I can’t come up with anything.

Anyway my problems and all that other stuff aside, this week I’ve decided to talk about this fine week is love.

Now love is a really broad topic that involves a lot of intricacies and complications. Intricacies and complications that much better writers than I have written volume upon volume of works about . That being said I’m just gonna dive right in.

There are lots of different kinds of love, like:

Romantic Love: The love you feel when you’re both physically and emotionally attached to someone.

Platonic Love: The love you feel when you only have an emotional relationship with someone. Think your best friend, or that guy that everyone says you have a bromance with.

Impersonal Love: A love you have for something not human. Like animals.

Romatic Love is probably the one that people have the most trouble with(note I’m not offering advice, just observing). This, in my opinion, is for the simple reason that romantic love isn’t just for personal pleasure, but because it has a major biological purpose. Scientist theorize that the evolution of love in Humans helped to facilitate reproduction and ensure the safety of young. It’s much easier to raise a helpless child if both parents are compelled to stay around. And scientist figure that love was the compulsory factor. Ever wonder why you only fall in love with people you’re attracted to? That’s your body trying to get you to make babies. Messed up right?

So that’s the biological aspect of things. What about the emotional part? Well I’m going to warn you that I do not, and I repeat, do not, have any of the answers when it comes to love in terms of emotions.

This is all just conjecture on my part. Then again, love is caring and comforting and only wants you happiness. Then again, again, it’s selfish and is only concerned with its needs. You want to know what I think? I think Love, and anything involved in it is a contradiction. Heck talking about it makes me feel like I’m just going in circles. It is also described as “a battlefield”. Now whether Pat Benitard was right when she wrote that thirty odd years ago is up for debate, but from what I’ve seen and experienced in terms of matters of the heart, I’d say that she was spot on. I mean for most of us being on a battlefield would be a pretty confusing and frightening thing. It’s full of attention grabbing stuff like explosions and bullets and enemies which can make it hard to focus on the goal. Now just replace the explosions and bullets with all the different possible mates you have out there and the enemies with all the people out there looking for the same thing, and you have a better, more pleasant idea. Or you could just imagine the battlefield, which is what I do.

Platonic Love is easier to deal with because you’re probably not trying to have sex with your best friend, or family members. If, however, you are trying to do the latter, you may need to reevaluate that depending on what state you live in and how close you are… biologically, before you do the deed. Anyway back to friendship. Friendships are simpler, basically the rule I go by when it comes to friends is this “If they’re your friend then they’re not going to hurt you, unless it’s really for your own good.” That means what it says but let me make it more complicated by giving examples. First example: your friend knows you significant other is cheating on you or whatever, that friend is going to tell you because, even though it hurts you it’ll help you in the long run. Second example: You’re about to do something really stupid, like let’s say, rob a bank; your friend, being the friend he/she is, is going to knock you out, tie you up, and leave you in his/her basement till they convince you to change your mind because they don’t want your ass to go to jail thus helping you in the long run. Third and final example: it’s your birthday and you’re just minding your own business; your friend comes along and clocks you in the face because the physical pain will put hair on your chest (this applies to you to ladies) and will make you a more resolute person in the end.


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