Katie’s Kinky Column: Talking to your Partner

“How do I talk to my partner about sex?”
After the tenth student on campus asked this question, it became evident what FSU students had on their minds. When asked about the most important part of sex, FSU students had a variety of answers from “she has to finish” to having a connection and actually being in a relationship with their partner, but a majority of students agreed that the absolutely number one rule was being open and able to communicate with your partner.

“Whether it’s a long-term relationship or a one-time thing, having a connection, enough of a connection to openly talk, is really important,” Katie, a senior said.

Tony, another senior, added, “And if you’re doing a one-time thing, each person should be talking about what they like in the lead up to sex, and during sex.”

Both students agreed that being completely open and direct could make sex great, or make people realize that maybe it just isn’t meant to be.

The society of Obstetrician and Gynaecology reports “sex is never perfect,” but that it can be great, once the door to communication is opened. They suggest that partners speak from a personal perspective when talking about sex, using ‘I’ over ‘you’ to put the other at ease, and make them more open to listening and responding.

Paul Joannides, Ph.D., of the American Sexual Health Association (AHSA) and author of “The Guide to Getting it On,” says, “Imagine going to a restaurant where the chef served you whatever he or she felt like fixing instead of giving you a choice. Imagine a gardener who never asked, ‘How do you like your bushes trimmed?’ Yet when it comes to sex many of us assume that we know what our partner wants, or we clam up instead of giving feedback.”

There are the obvious questions to talk about between partners: knowing STI (sexually transmitted infections) status and what form of birth control to use. And then there are the personal questions. ASHA lists off a few of the big things to think about, including what brings pleasure, what over steps the line, and what exactly boundaries are.

For those who have no idea how to begin the ever important conversation about sex, ASHA recommends creating a ‘Yes, No, Maybe’ chart for each partner, and then comparing. The results can be a great opener for conversation, and help partners discover more about themselves, and their sexual preferences.

Julian Proctor, a student at FSU, spoke up: “A sit down heart to heart with your partner could really make a big difference in the relationship. It makes that trust and honesty factor more open for the relationship, which makes sex more comfortable in the long run.”

Whether you decide on multiple partners, a one-time thing, or one significant other, you should never be afraid to have the important discussion about sex.